I'm sure that some of you have the same problem I ran into last Friday. I was wearing the outfit above, and we had our work "Holiday Party" which is 1.5 hours at the end of the day with some snacky time foods. In line a coworker told me I looked "so nice" and just as I started to smile and say thank you, she followed it up with "I can tell you've been doing something that works." I know this woman meant to be complimentary, that there wasn't any bit of a passive aggressive dig in there, but still, I had to bite my tongue to rip her a new one for assuming that I wanted a compliment like that. A) I'm not, in fact doing anything to lose weight and I'm not losing weight. B) I find it rude to assume that people are trying to lose weight, because it implies that there is something wrong with their current body.
Weight is such a troubling issue for so many women (men, too) that even compliments can backfire on sensitive people. You might say to someone "You look so great having lost that weight" and they hear 'With that weight you looked hideous'. During the holidays, we'll all run into people we haven't seen in awhile. Instead of talking about someone's weight, why don't you just tell someone they look beautiful if that's what you mean? No qualifiers, no 'you look so beautiful today/in that dress/now that you're skinnier', just tell them they look beautiful. Because when you qualify someone's beauty, you're saying there are times that they don't look beautiful, and I know that you don't want to say that.
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How do you address compliments that make you uncomfortable?
There was a guy who used to work in our department (he's moved on to other pastures now), and he once tried to compliment a coworker by saying, "wow, your hair looks great today! Did you brush it?" Then again, he also tried to compliment me one time by saying, "You know, I don't usually like short hair on women, but it looks good on you." Cue sad trombone noise. Sometimes I do compliment people based on specifics ("wow, that color is awesome on you!" "those earrings are beautiful!") and I hope that they take it in the spirit in which it's intended, but I NEVER EVER EVER comment on someone's body, because yikes, it is too fraught and also not my business.
ReplyDeleteP.S. You look beautiful! :)
Wow, what a jerk! Compliments like that are always great, I think, because not only are they non-triggering, but they also compliment someone's sense of style.
DeleteHow can we spread this message far and wide??? When I was about 12 or 13 I grew several inches within a year, and my body kinda stretched out. This one aunt of mine -- EVERY time she saw me -- would tell me how beautiful I looked, almost like she was surprised, and always followed by "have you lost weight???" It fucked with my mind and made me feel disgusted with myself before the growth spurt. Looking back at photos of myself pre-growth spurt... I was adorable. Chubby adorableness. This shit is toxic. Even recently I lost weight because my lifestyle changed (more active because of dancing and walking a lot, and no more eggs because I developed an allergy) and seriously the "complimenting" I've gotten from people has been a huge body image trigger. I try to love my bod no matter what shape it happens to be (after spending lots of years despising my chub and then dieting to lose it, and then gaining it back and feeling shitty about myself), so the onslaught of "you're so awesome BECAUSE you lost weight!" "what's your secret??" "you look 10 years younger!" both fills me with pride based on previous negative self-image, and then anxiety at how I'll feel should the weight come back. It's stupid. I was totally happy and healthy and beautiful 20 lbs ago... and I just hold onto that feeling.
ReplyDeleteWhoa. This comment got out of control. But this dialogue drives me nuts. Thanks for broaching it :)
And I agree with Mia... you look beautiful, dahling! Radiant even :)
Thanks, sweetie! I do get vain about my skin sometimes, but it's totally inherited, my Nana has gorgeous skin as well as my Mama. I just want to tell you that every picture I see of you, you look beautiful and happy. And that happiness makes you look even MORE beautiful!
DeleteThis was a great post, and I loved reading Mia and Chelsea's comments too. I'm a bit of a smart ass so when someone says I look cute "today" I tell them I look cute everyday. Or, I say "I know, right?" because they don't know how to deal and walk away. Really though, I have no advice for this sort of thing. People just really don't fuck with me like that, I think it's because I'm tall and have made it know I will push them down. So, I guess, maybe start threatening people?
ReplyDeleteArgh! See, if I let myself really respond with a knee-jerk reaction, I wouldn't have any problems. But the (mostly) Southern part of me won't let that happen. Of course, that little inner voice about being nice comes directly from my Mama, complete with a look of utter disappointment from my Daddy for being so harsh to people.
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